GrandRising | Solar & System

🖋

דו־קוטבי.

Bipolar.

Interesting word.

Bi.

Two.

Polar.

Poles.

Two poles.

Hmm.

I was reading...

*The Faces of Mania: The Legacy of Athanasios Koukopoulos.*

And one sentence...

Stopped me.

"We consider the term ‘bipolar’ (literally: with two poles) confusing and restrictive.”

Bruh.

Restrictive.

Because...

I have spent...

Years...

Writing...

About words.

Not merely...

What they mean.

But what happens...

When a word...

Becomes smaller...

Than the phenomenon...

It is attempting...

To contain.

That is...

Quite literally...

Why I built...

My Lexicon.

Mirror...

Is not...

Reflection.

Proximity...

Is not...

Proxy.

Reputation...

Is not...

Character.

Ache...

Is not...

Pain.

Recognition...

Is not...

Access.

And a definition...

Is not necessarily...

The phenomenon...

It attempts...

To describe.

Those...

Do not equate.

So naturally...

I stopped...

At...

Two poles.

Because...

I am Human.

And Humans...

Are Solar Systems.

...

There is...

A lot...

Between...

Two poles.

Actually...

There is...

A lot...

That exists...

Entirely outside...

The architecture...

Of poles.

Gravity.

Orbit.

Velocity.

Rotation.

Distance.

Collision.

Temperature.

Light.

Darkness.

Matter.

Bodies...

Acting upon...

Other bodies.

Systems...

Within systems.

And somewhere...

At the center...

Of this particular...

Solar System...

There is...

A person.

Me.

So perhaps...

My discomfort...

With the word...

Bipolar...

Is not...

That it describes...

Nothing.

I know...

What I have...

Experienced.

I know...

What impairment...

Can mean.

I know...

There are states...

Of cognition...

That require...

Careful observation.

I am not...

Attempting...

To erase...

Any of that.

My problem...

Is what happens...

When...

two poles...

Become...

The architecture...

Through which...

An entire human...

Is interpreted.

Because...

The historical phenomenon...

Was never...

That simple...

Either.

Wilhelm Griesinger...

Who introduced...

The concept...

Of cycle...

Did not describe...

Depressive states...

As necessarily...

Being produced...

By psychic inactivity.

He proposed...

Something...

Far stranger.

That intense...

Irritation...

And excitation...

Of psychic processes...

Could ultimately...

Be experienced...

As...

"a state of depression or psychic pain.”

Psychic pain.

Hmm.

Excitation...

Ending...

In depression.

Already...

The poles...

Are behaving...

Strangely.

Then...

Kraepelin.

Depressive Mania.

Excited Depression.

Mania with poverty of thought.

Manic stupor.

Depression with flight of ideas.

Inhibited Mania.

Interesting.

What exactly...

Am I supposed...

To do...

With two poles...

When the phenomena...

Themselves...

Refuse...

To remain...

On their respective...

Sides?

And then...

Koukopoulos...

And Reginaldi...

Suggested...

That mania...

Should not...

Simply...

Be understood...

As episodic...

Euphoria...

Plus...

Hyperactivity.

They argued...

For a wider range...

Of excitatory behaviors.

And depression...

They suggested...

Might require...

Narrower definition...

Because even...

Its diagnostic criteria...

Can contain...

Opposing phenomena.

Weight loss.

Weight gain.

Increased appetite.

Decreased appetite.

Insomnia.

Hypersomnia.

Bruh.

So...

Again...

I find myself...

Standing...

In the same place...

I have stood...

For years.

Between words.

Looking...

At the phenomenon...

The word...

Was supposed...

To contain.

And asking...

What got lost...

When we named it?

...

There is...

Another reason...

This matters...

To me.

A much more...

Personal one.

I call myself...

Goddess of Hell & Sun.

And I have watched...

People...

Encounter...

Those words...

And decide...

What they mean.

Grandiose.

Inflated.

Excessive.

Perhaps...

Even symptomatic.

Interesting.

Because...

People keep...

Assuming...

Sun...

Means mania.

It doesn't.

Sun...

Is me.

...

A person.

That is...

The simplest...

Definition...

I can give you.

I am...

The Sun...

In my own...

Solar System...

Because I am...

The experiencing...

Human being...

At its center.

Not because...

Everything...

Revolves around me...

Socially.

Not because...

I am superior...

To another...

Human being.

But because...

There is only...

One position...

From which...

I can experience...

My existence.

Mine.

I cannot...

Stand outside...

My cognition...

To encounter...

My cognition.

I cannot...

Leave...

My personhood...

To observe...

My personhood...

From somewhere else.

Every sensation...

Memory...

Thought...

Fear...

Desire...

Error...

Decision...

Pain...

Recognition...

And revision...

I experience...

Occurs...

From here.

Sun.

So then...

What is...

Hell?

...

Interpretation.

Hell...

Is what happens...

When my experience...

Leaves me...

Passes through...

Someone else's...

Language...

Expectation...

Fear...

Training...

Assumptions...

Diagnostic framework...

Social understanding...

And returns...

To me...

As a definition...

Of who...

I am.

That...

Is Hell.

Not because...

Every interpretation...

Of me...

Is wrong.

That would be...

Absurd.

And not because...

First-person experience...

Makes me...

Infallible.

It doesn't.

I can misunderstand...

Myself.

Others...

Can observe...

Something...

I cannot.

Clinical observation...

Can reveal...

Patterns...

That subjective experience...

Does not.

Those things...

Can all...

Be true.

The problem...

Begins...

When interpretation...

Stops being...

Information...

About the person...

And becomes...

A replacement...

For the person.

When...

What I am...

Expected...

To be...

Carries more...

Authority...

Than what...

I am actually...

Doing.

When behavior...

Is encountered...

After diagnosis...

And therefore...

Cannot simply...

Be behavior...

Anymore.

Confidence...

Becomes...

Grandiosity.

Intensity...

Becomes...

Mania.

Anger...

Becomes...

Instability.

Certainty...

Becomes...

Delusion.

Distance...

Becomes...

Isolation.

Unusual language...

Becomes...

Evidence.

A boundary...

Becomes...

Pathology.

A disagreement...

Becomes...

Lack of insight.

And suddenly...

The human being...

Is no longer...

Being encountered...

First.

The interpretation...

Is.

...

My stance.

There you are...

Again.

The distance...

Between...

The phenomenon...

As lived...

And the phenomenon...

As apprehended...

Named...

And interpreted...

From outside.

Except...

This time...

The phenomenon...

Is me.

And the distance...

Is no longer...

Simply...

Between...

A word...

And its meaning.

It is between...

**The person...**

And...

The interpreted person.

...

There.

Now...

I finally...

Understand...

Something...

About...

Bi-Polar.

Because...

Perhaps...

The two poles...

That have mattered...

Most...

In my lived experience...

Were never...

Simply...

Mania...

And depression.

There is...

Sun.

The person...

Experiencing...

Her own existence.

And...

There is...

Hell.

The person...

As that existence...

Is interpreted...

By others.

And somehow...

I am expected...

To live...

Between...

The two.

To know...

Myself...

While simultaneously...

Knowing...

That my self-knowledge...

May be interpreted...

As evidence...

Against...

My ability...

To know myself.

To speak...

For myself...

While understanding...

That another person's...

Framework...

May be granted...

More authority...

Than my own...

Account.

To acknowledge...

Illness...

Without allowing...

Illness...

To become...

Identity.

To accept...

Observation...

Without surrendering...

Personhood.

To accept...

Help...

Without surrendering...

Agency.

To recognize...

That cognition...

Can become...

Unreliable...

Without accepting...

That I am therefore...

An unreliable...

Human being...

In perpetuity.

That...

Is a strange...

Place...

To live.

Between poles.

...

And this...

Is where...

The word...

Bipolar...

Begins...

To violate...

The Solar System...

Of the human...

Living with it.

Not because...

The diagnosis...

Cannot describe...

Real phenomena.

But because...

The word...

Can become...

Socially...

And contextually...

Powerful enough...

To separate...

Identity...

From personhood.

The human...

From the expectation...

Of the human.

The experience...

From the interpretation...

Of the experience.

Sun...

From...

Hell.

And once...

That separation...

Occurs...

The person...

Can spend...

An extraordinary...

Amount of time...

Attempting...

To prove...

That they still...

Exist...

Somewhere...

Between...

The two.

...

I refuse...

That architecture.

Not medicine.

Not observation.

Not accountability.

Not the possibility...

That I can...

Be wrong.

The architecture.

Because...

I am not...

A line...

With two...

Opposing ends.

I am not...

A diagnostic...

Pendulum.

I am not...

An argument...

Between...

Mania...

And depression.

I am Human.

And Humans...

Are...

Solar Systems.

Complex.

Dynamic.

Relational.

Affected...

By forces...

Inside...

And outside...

Themselves.

Capable...

Of stability...

And disruption.

Containing...

Phenomena...

That interact...

Without becoming...

Identical.

And most importantly...

Still...

A system...

When something...

Inside it...

Changes.

The Sun...

Does not cease...

To be...

The Sun...

Because...

There is weather...

Elsewhere...

In the system.

...

Maybe...

That is why...

I have been...

So obsessed...

With words.

Maybe...

I understood...

The danger...

Before...

I understood...

Why...

It mattered...

So much...

To me.

A word...

Can recognize...

A phenomenon.

A word...

Can help us...

Study it.

A word...

Can help...

One human...

Tell another...

What they...

Are experiencing.

But a word...

Can also...

Become...

A wall...

Around observation.

And once...

We believe...

The word...

Has completely...

Explained...

The phenomenon...

We stop...

Looking...

At what exists...

Beyond...

Its borders.

That...

Is precisely...

What my Lexicon...

Has been...

Trying...

To prevent.

Not...

The destruction...

Of definitions.

The preservation...

Of distinctions.

Because...

The distance...

Between words...

Is not...

Empty.

There are...

Phenomena...

There.

There are...

People...

There.

Sometimes...

There are...

Entire...

Solar Systems...

There.

...

So...

דו־קוטבי.

Bipolar.

Two poles.

Hmm.

Perhaps...

The word...

Is more honest...

Than I thought.

Just not...

For the reason...

I was given.

Because...

I do know...

What it means...

To live...

Between...

Two poles.

I know...

What it means...

To exist...

Between...

Who I am...

And who...

I am expected...

To be...

Once someone...

Knows...

The name...

Of something...

I experience.

I know...

What it means...

To watch...

A description...

Of an experience...

Attempt...

To become...

A definition...

Of the person...

Experiencing it.

And I know...

What it means...

To say...

No.

I am still here.

Sun.

Human.

Person.

The experiencing...

Subject...

Of my own...

Existence.

And Hell...

May describe...

What happens...

In the distance...

Between...

My experience...

And another person's...

Interpretation...

Of it.

But Hell...

Does not...

Get to become...

My name.

I can acknowledge...

Hell...

Without kneeling...

Before it.

I can acknowledge...

Interpretation...

Without surrendering...

The authority...

To participate...

In the interpretation...

Of myself.

I can acknowledge...

A diagnosis...

Without permitting...

The diagnosis...

To become...

Sovereign...

Over personhood.

Because...

Acknowledgment...

Is not...

Submission.

And I do not...

Have to...

Bend...

The knee...

Simply because...

Someone else...

Is uncomfortable...

With the complexity...

Of the Human...

Standing...

In front...

Of them.

...

I am...

Hell & Sun.

But perhaps...

Now...

You understand...

Which one...

Is me.

Sun.

And around me...

An entire...

Human...

Solar & System.

GrandRising. 🍵